Thursday, March 06, 2008

What if...?

Okay, so after the negative test, it's pretty damn likely that I'm not "otherwise occupied" as my friend Kaz so eloquently put it.

Of course I'd thought about the options if the result was positive - but hadn't come to any sort of conclusion. Michael and I had decided not to discuss it until we knew what was going on, and now there doesn't seem to be any point in discussing it. I firmly believe that you can't know how you'll feel until event actually happens, especially as you may well be in a different situation by the time it happens.

But here are my thoughts from yesterday, when I didn't know. Otherwise entitled, "What the hell do I do if I am actually pregnant?"

In general
I'm not maternal particularly. I'm not the sort that gets broody if they see a baby - I've never had a real desire to have babies of my own. They just don't interest me.

However I do like kids. Kids are fun once they can talk and are potty trained and you can sort of reason with them and teach them and do fun stuff. Hours of peek-a-boo and smelly nappies is not my idea of a fun afternoon, but a trip to the park, or even just watching kids TV sounds pretty cool.

I also have worries about my ability to cope with a child, when I'm not even very good at looking after myself.

Plus, Michael doesn't want kids. Doesn't want the change his lifestyle and be responsible for something, and I'm with him on that.

But I would love to experience a pregnancy. And yeah, even giving birth. And in a sort of related and entirely selfish way, I'd love the attention that pregnant women and new mothers get.

So here are the options, should I get pregnant in the future. Or if I am actually pregnant now, in defiance of the test.

Keep the baby
Not sure I want children. Michael definitely doesn't, but I do think he'd feel differently if his child was a reality. Still, it's a massive life change. Don't know how it would affect uni. Although we're relatively financially stable, we'd have to make sacrifices with money, as kids are expensive. Plus the health issues, with my fibromyalgia and high blood pressure and diabetes/insulin resistance/whatever the hell I've got.

Now I'm a bit weird about killing things. In general I'm for abortion, because in some situations having the baby would ruin both the baby and the mother's life. 5 years ago I believe I would have had an abortion and not felt too guilty about it, but now I'm pretty sure I couldn't go through with it. Kill a person that could have a perfectly happy life just because their arrival would be inconvenient? How would I live with myself? I feel guilty if I step on a snail in the garden, for God's sake (not guilty enough to stop eating meat, but that's another issue).

Sounds idea. All the experience of pregnancy and birth, but none of the expense, and no responsibility afterwards. But I'm not convinced that I could give up a baby after carrying it for nine months. How can you help thinking of it as "your baby", especially if you're in a situation where you could perfectly well raise it yourself? And also, hearing the experiences of adoptees like Attila and my ex-boyfriend (who was devastated when he found at the age of 16, and I don't think ever really got over it) - I wouldn't want to do that to a child.

And my family wouldn't understand and would never forgive me. I'd be taking the baby away from them too. With termination, I wouldn't even have to tell them, but how can you hide a pregnancy? (My aunt Liz did, but that's also another issue.)

So yeah. I don't see that any of them are good options. Fingers crossed that I don't have to make that decision anytime soon.


  1. Wow, yeah, that's a hard set of options. The only thing I can say is that the only way anyone has a baby is to just close their eyes and go through with it. There is never a "right" time and if you think about it enough you won't do it. Kinda like marriage. And in order to have fun-age kids you have to go through the dreaded nappies/bottles/crap/colic stage, alas.

  2. Carmenzta said it - there never IS a good time to have a baby. When it happens, it happens. My son was an accident. Too much champagne at my brother's wedding and oops. But I felt better during my pregnancy than I ever felt before or after in my life. And once he was born, I was so thrilled to have him that I didn't even notice how radically my life had changed. But then there are people who aren't well equipped to have/nurture children for whatever reason. My stepson and DIL are prime examples. They have a daughter but I don't think they really have a clue as to what to do with her. They're raising her to be a Bratz doll. Which is sad. Talking to them doesn't help.

    So I guess it all depends. I hope you don't have to face this choice right now though. No matter what decision you make, you'll always wonder...