Not sleeping again

Mostly because I slept in disgracefully late, but possibly also because I'm nervous about tomorrow.

Because I'm auditioning for a solo part.

Horror.

It's kind of a generic audition for one of the many solo parts in Dido and Aeneas, or the Vivaldi Gloria that we're doing with Socii. I'll have to sing the Sorceress's "Wayward Sisters" bit, and one of the alto solos from Gloria.

I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with the whole thing - I haven't done an audition since I was 16, and this will be only my second singing audition. Nervous would be the word.

Realistically, I won't get the Sorceress - even if I was better than I actually am, there's another alto who has the perfect voice for it, in my not-at-all-knowing-anything-about-it-opinion. In fact I can't see myself with any of the Dido parts - I could do some of them, but not as well as some of the other auditionees. Neither am I very hopeful about the Gloria solos -I'm only slightly encouraged by the fact that there are two alto solos in it, and only three altos auditioning, which makes the odds a little better.

Not that I mind if I don't get anything. It's just as usual, I'm so scared of looking stupid. Even worse, of looking stupid but also looking like I don't realise how bad I am. You know like those people we all laugh at on Pop Idol or whatever, the one who are convinced they are the next Whitney or whoever, but are so awful that even the kind judges just say "No!" without hesitation? The ones who cry or shout or tell the judges they don't know what they're talking about. The ones we all pity.

It's a bad character flaw, but I'd rather not try at all than look like I think I'm good enough to do something when I'm not. Better to not try than to fail - but it really isn't the failing that I fear so much.

It's aiming for the lead if it's painfully obvious to everyone but me that I'm forever destined to just be a member of the chorus.