Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Why is it all so complicated?

I went to see my Level Tutor (Paul) at uni on Monday, to talk about my (lack of) attendance. I explained the fibro situation. He basically said that although they do take medical conditions into account when calculating the final grade, it will only actually make a difference if I'm on the boundary between grades (then they'll give me the benefit of the doubt and put me in the higher grade). Also as my condition is chronic and won't go away, they won't be able to compare my work to my normal "baseline" level (without the illness) so they won't be able to assess exactly how much the fibro does affect me. They'll give me deadline extensions and extra time in exams, but can't do anything else.

I have three choices now.
1) Try to catch up and finish Level 2 this year, doing some of the exams in August if necessary.
2) Take the Level 2 Autumn exams in the summer, then do Spring Semester next year.
3) Do the whole of Level 2 as normal next year.

Of course, 2 and 3 involve an extra year of studying, which has financial implications. I can't say I'm all that happy with the way things are being dealt with, because there doesn't seem to be much effort being made to make day-to-day studying any easier for me. Paul says that Level 3 is easier in terms of having more coursework, and hardly any early morning lectures, so once I get through Level 2 I'll struggle a lot less. Can't say that makes me feel any better now.

And I went to see my new doctor yesterday. They don't have my notes from my old surgery, so I had to explain everything over. When I'd finished, the doc said, "What do you want me to do about it?" in a you're-wasting-my-time kind of way. I replied that I didn't know. I'm not a doctor, after all. He's given me refills on my prescriptions and asked me to make an appointment with a nurse to check out my diabetes. He also says I can't take codeine for the pain anymore because it's addictive and affects mood, and that I need to start a graduated exercise programme and lose weight.

I feel cheated. He's right, but I don't just want to be told that he can't help me and that I'm doing things wrong. I want step-by-step instructions, because when I even think about how I'm going to implement a healthy eating/exercise plan or in fact any kind of lifestyle change at all, my brain won't work (to many variables to consider) and I just want to go back to bed and not deal with it. It's too much. He obviously didn't believe that sometimes I can't actually think in a straight line and make rational decisions, and how badly this can affect my memory.

After all this, I tried to talk to Michael last night. I was thinking about how to do it most of the evening, because I know he's practically counting the days until he doesn't have to support me financially anymore. So it was 10.30pm when I broached the subject of potentially doing another year of studying - he said he didn't want to get into a discussion because it was loo late in the evening. I really wanted to talk though the options with him and how I felt and what the problems were, to sort things out in my own head as much as anything. The fact that he said it wasn't an convenient time to discuss something which is going to have such a major effect on my life somewhat annoyed me, and disappointed me as well. I snapped at him a bit, and later when he tried to say something I told him it wasn't convenient to talk to me right now. I also said I was going to make decisions without his imput, and just tell him what I'd decided once it was all sorted out.

Guess I'm mostly hurt that my life, my future, isn't as important as getting 8 hours sleep.

And dammit, why isn't anyone hearing me? I need help, I can't do this by myself.


  1. Anna, I feel for you. It doesn't always help when the people you need most turn their backs on you. However, sometimes you just have to "kick ass" and get on with it. Difficult I know, but you can do it! I am not sure I can at the moment. I am really struggling! Contact me if you need support. Boo xx

  2. Thanks Boo, same to you too. You know where I am if I can help any, or even if you just want to moan.

  3. Anna change your doctor and go see another one, they are there to support and do it your way if need be. Ok a little straight talking helps, but they should also sort you a plan too, esppecially if meds are concerned. Dont put up with bad docs, there are good ones out there.

    I am sure micheal would want to listen and help you anna, but sometimes we do not pick the "right" time to talk about stuff, he loves you and would do anything for you, dont push him away though, sometimes if you push too far or too often they dont come back. Remember are you in the right frame of mind right now, are you thinking straight? You know im not being mean, but just the other side of the coin thats all.

    You have my number use it any time you want too. Oh im going to think really hard of something that you can do from home, that way you will be more self sufficent which also will boost your confidence. As you said before that the normal job will take too much of a toll on you, think the option would be to work for your self, just need to think of something you will enjoy, uses your talents and you get paid...

    Hope ive not come across too harsh, but I know what its like when you start pushing people away when you arnt feeling quite up to it. Go give him a big hug, he loves you remmeber that

  4. Aw, Hon, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure how the health system works over there, but I'm with Nicola---can you find a doc that specializes in fibro cases?

    I've heard how hard it is to find one hear, with privatized medical, I can't imagine what it must be like there.

    Hang in there!