Welcome to my world

Recently I’ve spent a lot of time allowing myself to fade into the background.

I do this by:
• Keeping quiet. I join in discussions, but tend not to engage people in conversation; in particular I don’t really do small talk. I just listen to other people mostly, and just speak when I’m spoken to.
• Wearing really boring clothes. Jeans, trainers, baggy T-shirts in brown or sludge green, hair tied back in a low ponytail. Not wearing makeup.
• Pretending to be distracted. Sometimes if I see someone I know, I’ll act as if I don’t see them. If they say hello to me I’ll talk, but if not I won’t. I think it’s in case they didn’t want to say hi, and then I don’t embarrass myself by talking to them when they intended to just walk past. Which truly is stupid.
• Playing down the things that make me unique, like my intelligence and knowledge and musical ability and enthusiasm and all the little things that make me stand out. Similarly exaggerating things I’m lacking, or not so good at, and unfavourably comparing myself to other people.
• Continuing to do the same boring things I do every day, and never challenging myself with something new.

I hate how easy it is for me to lose confidence in myself. I really thought that it would just be a matter of time before I felt happy in my own skin, like once I started doing something I enjoy and am good at (i.e. studying, singing) things would just fall into place, but of course it doesn’t happen like that.

For me to explain this properly I’ll have to delve a little bit into my background, so bear with me.

While I was at school I was, while not exactly systematically bullied, teased about my appearance, and pretty much told that I’d never be able to attract men, never have a boyfriend, etc (as if that’s the be all and end all of life anyway!) so by the time I left at 16 I was pretty much settled with the idea that my brains were a deficit rather than an asset, that I wasn’t pretty and popular like my “friends”, and that while they could expect to pull on a night out I should simply resign myself to the fact that I’d always be the one left out. By that age I’d had exactly one short encounter with a guy I met on holiday, who certainly wasn’t an Adonis.

So I took the opportunity when I moved to a new school to do A levels to start afresh. New friends - real friends, more socialising, not caring what people thought and what I “should” be doing. Suddenly I got male attention, and quite a lot of it, from guys I actually found attractive. And there was confidence. I got a boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years. I flirted. I slept with guys. I did things because I wanted to do them, and I did the things I wanted to do.

I think I built up a persona as a sexy, funny, energetic, sexual person, and I realised that there are different types of attractive. I was happy with myself, I think the persona reflected a genuine part of my personality and it was close to the way I think I naturally am, if things are going well.

And somewhere between then and my depression all that evaporated.

I don’t know how, but my self-confidence was eroded away until I was back at the just-left-school no-one-will-ever-love-me stage, and even worse. I desperately wanted care and attention, but I didn’t believe the love people showed me. Anyway, I’m not going to dwell on that because I came out of it, and built myself back up again, but I’ve never quite achieved the confidence of my late teens/early twenties.

So really it’s just been this weekend that I’ve realised that I’m not happy, that I’m hiding myself because of some pitiful belief that I’m not good enough. I’m not the type to blame other people in my past for my problems today, but it’s easy to see what effect the negative views of my so-called friends have had on me, and how long-lasting it’s been. And that pisses me off, how dare they steal my real personality like that? And how could I let them?
I think that their motivation can only have been jealousy. I’m clever, funny, talented, good at solving problems and learning new things, and I have breasts. And all they had was prettiness, and fashionable clothes.

But anyway. I’m not hiding anymore. To paraphrase Boo the other day, of course I can, I am Anna.

Starting tonight, I’m planning to be me.

Here's the deal

I'm really busy at the moment.

Study, singing, hogs, housework. Lots to do. So I don't have so much time to devote to blogland.

I know I haven't been keeping up with your blogs, and I apologise. I still don't have my computer, but I do have a laptop hooked up at home now.

Basically I'm going to have to cut way down on the blogs I'm reading and commenting on.

And I'm deciding like this. If you read my blog, and want me to read yours, leave a comment to this post and I'll start visiting you again - a couple of times a week at least. Hog people, you're already on my list.

I'm sorry, you're all fun, but I just don't have the time anymore.

Miss me?

My computer has died and I'm not sure when I'll be back online at home.

Expect sporadic updates from uni.

And I won't be in chat for a while either, at least until I get my computer up and running or get my laptop connected to the net.

How the hell did you get here?

I thought I'd amuse you with a few of the searches that lead people to click into this blog. Because I'm bored.

I hate spiders kill - was that you Nikki?
pie wedgies - Jon??
squeamish fruit fetishes
Pergolesi's Alleluia recording - How did that lead here? I didn't even know Pergolesi wrote an Alleluia.
download Ecce Homo Theme from Mr Bean
I hate flies
cat prosthetics LARP uk
Warhammer 40k porn
sexy snails
sex with dog
dog sex
out door sex
"ladies loo" pee wiping - I really hope this was a cleaner. Really.
basil for ticks
mr bean videos
Mr Bean sings in church choir
joe & hayley - Um... yeah. "Hey, you're English, right? You must know my friend Joe, he went to London once... with his girlfriend Hayley. He's about so tall?"
dog sex - Again.
boyfriend mike anna - Pretty vague search terms...
bruckner "locus iste" "mr. bean"
sperm in alium and tallis and free music download - This one amused me in a childish way... it's "Spem in alium" not "Sperm". Spem means hope. Sperm... generally doesn't. Plus the "and" is completely redundant.

I wouldn't normally do this, but...

... I'm going to post here about the fact that I feel crappy.

It's just really been today. I have this unpleasant feeling that something's wrong but I don't know what it is. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired. I'm restless. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I've not been sleeping well at night, then I sleep half the day. I have jobs that need doing, the house is a shithole and animals need cleaning out and I need a shower but I can't be bothered to have one and I smell. I'm having to force myself to eat normal food because I'm only interested in cake, chocolate, biscuits and ice-cream and I don't feel hungry.

It doesn't help that Michael's not here, he's been in Edinburgh with work since Sunday and he won't be back until Friday. It's not just that I miss him, it's also that I have no-one to talk to. I haven't spoken to anyone face-to-face since Sunday, and I've only spoken to two people on the phone since then (Michael and Jan). I've become aware of how few friends I really have. Sure, I have friends, but no-one I feel I can really phone and say, "I'm so bored and feel crap, come over and we'll drink wine and eat chocolate and watch a film or something." Probably there are people who would do that. I just feel like there aren't. Plus it's too much effort to phone, or even see anyone.

And I'm starting to get worried about going back to uni on Monday. This year is going to be a lot harder and despite my good marks last year I think I'm going to be out of my depth because I missed so many classes last year, particularly in statistics and how to work and interpret SPSS (the stats program we use). I can't even begin to think how I'm going to catch up. And my essay writing sucks now too, as evidenced by my previous marks. Every multiple-choice exam I've had (apart from one which was hard and ecology isn't my area anyway), I've got above 74, while every essay exam has scored less then 67. The knowledge is there, I'm just not great at using it to write essays. And this year the marks actually count. And I want a first.

And also, I have no money until my next loan installment comes in or my house sale completes, whichever is sooner. It should only be a few weeks, if that, but it's a pain in the ass. I'd like to buy books. My Amazon Wish List for textbooks is full to bursting. And I'd also like to buy hair dye, my hair is seriously looking bad at the moment.

But on the plus side, I just spoke to Michael and he's coming home Thursday night instead of Friday! Yay! I feel a little less crap.