Just realised something

Why do I start thinking people don't like me when I'm depressed?

Because I'm generally no fun - I:

Don't go out because it feels like too much effort
Don't talk much in group situations
Give the impression of constant boredom or inattention
Stop making small talk, asking people questions and generally interacting in a social way
Don't often smile, joke, tease, or flirt
Break promises
Forget I've agreed to do something or meet someone
Let other people fill the gaps in conversation (thus making talking to me hard work).

So I end up looking cold and serious and unapproachable and let's be honest, boring. Really can't blame people for not treating me in the same way they used to, because right now I'm not even the same person.

Just to let you know

I'm still here.I haven't blogged in forever because really I don't think I have anything interesting to say.

Having depression again, you see.

Yes I'm on medication, and yes it's helping, but no I don't feel my usual self yet. I'm just supremely unimpressed by everything a lot of the time, and my sleep pattern's completely fucked despite regular attempts to de-fuck it (hence me still awake and posting at 4am).

I'm not trying to elicit sympathy, don't get me wrong. And I'm not even that bad really, mostly just like the shine's been taken off everything and nothing is fun and I can't be bothered with it all. I'm not cutting myself, or crying all the time (have only cried once actually), or in a black cloud of despair, or thinking that no-one really likes me and that they'd be happier if I wasn't around - which is a step up from my last "episode" - I'm just not really here.

We have a choir Christmas concert on Thursday, and I'm singing a solo quartet bit in one of the pieces (Britten's Hymn to the Virgin) which is a really nice piece. I really wanted to get the solo and I did. I'd expect to be happy about it, but somehow my brain thinks it's not even worth mentioning. I just want to go to sleep.

Good news

My grandma went in to hospital last night, and had her operation today. It went well, and she's fine.

Thank goodness for that.

The scans and tests showed that the cancer hasn't spread. If they'd found it somewhere else, they wouldn't have operated on her at all, just given her chemo.

But yeah, it's as good as it could be, and she could be home at the weekend.

Thanks Royal Hallamshire Hospital.

Just a quick one

My uncle died last Saturday, of cancer. I don't know much about it but he definitely had a tumour on his spine and cancer in other places too. I hadn't seen him for years but I remember him as a nice man, older than my dad - the type who'd do anything for you, too kind for his own good sometimes.

My grandma found out last week that she has womb cancer. And the tests she had today confirmed that she has an aggressive tumour which may spread. It may have already spread. And she's 70 and has heart disease so it might be too risky to operate - we'll find out more when she has an ECG next Tuesday. She's already said that if it's spread she doesn't want the operation.

I'm not letting myself get upset, not unless the next lot of tests/scans say that it's inoperable, or that the op would be too risky. That sounds very cold-hearted - obviously I am upset, but I can't make things any better by crying and letting it get to me so I'm choosing to deal with the potential situation as and when. Can't say I'm massively optimistic though. I don't know what to think.

And my grandad's not long since had an op to remove his prostate cancer.

Understandably I'm now somewhat concerned that a new mole has appeared on my hand.

Can it stop please?

Sorry

I am feeling better than the last time I posted - I got a dawn simulator alarm clock which gradually turns a bright light on in the morning, and that helps.

I'm now in a pretty sensible rhythm of sleeping at 12pm and getting up between 8 and 9am. But of course now I feel better I seem to spend my time doing stuff because I can, and it just doesn't occur to me to blog.

And even though I'm busy, I don't feel I have much to blog about because it isn't very interesting. (Although saying that, we're working on the garden right now and the progress might make some good posts).

Hopefully i be inspired soon because I do like blogging and I love connecting with other bloggers.

Got a concert on Wednesday. I'm doing a small solo. Wish me luck.

Lazy

Yeah, I really am.

I don't know where all the time goes though. I haven't done any clay/jewellery stuff for weeks, I have loads of actual work to do but I can't motivate myself to even start it. I've done a little knitting, but other than that... no idea where all that time went, or what I did with it.

I hate being in a rut like this, it's just so hard to get out of it and once I do I slip back so quickly.

Being in "nocturnal mode" as usual isn't helping.

I'm sick of it. And I'm also sick of the fact that every so often I post on here saying I'm sick of it and need to change, which serves no actual purpose because a few weeks later I'm in the same situation.

I'm really seriously thinking that I'm just never going to be able to live a "normal" life and have a proper job. I'm just not up to it, which is worrying.

At last...

How has it been two months since I last blogged?

Guess I'm out of the habit now, which is poor.Oh well, I'll try to get back into it by posting "The Last Two Months in Brief", not necessarily in order).

• Carol singing was fun.
• Christmas was nice, parents spent too much on me as usual and I got some great polymer clay books. I made jewellery for my mum, grandma, and Michael's mum, and they seemed to like it.
  
• Spent entirely too much time playing a series of great games on my DS.
• Had family round for Boxing Day, then got ill afterwards (cold or 'flu or something). Ill enough to just sit around not doing much for two weeks, but not ill enough to stay in bed.
• My grandad had an operation to remove his prostate cancer, and he's doing fine. Although my whole family neglected to tell me about it and the first I heard was my grandma phoning a week afterwards asking why I didn't send him a get-well card.
• After neglecting my work for weeks, I had to work like a bastard to complete the software manual I was recording. My throat didn't like that much. Talking for 4 hours straight = pain. I need to develop vocal stamina.
  
• My lovely Summerdog developed pyometra (womb infection) and had an emergency spay on Tuesday. She's doing incredibly well, and is already almost back to her usual self. Poor doggy must have felt awful with a huge swollen womb full of pus. I'm trying not to feel guilty that I didn't get her spayed when she was younger, although I was never keen on an "unnecessary" operation, especially as it's much more invasive for a bitch. But a pyo spay is a much bigger operation with higher risks. She can have lead exercise starting tomorrow, but can't free run for a couple of weeks.
• Since the vet tells me that Summer is 10 kilos overweight, I'm putting her on a diet. This involves me actually cooking stuff for her - if I cook I know exactly the proportions of protein, carbs and fat she's eating - and mixing it with a little of her normal dried food. Tonight she had chicken, broccoli, carrots, courgette, egg, and brown pasta with a little garlic, which she absolutely loved. I kind of feel like we could lose weight and get fitter together. I know we could both do with more exercise when she's recovered.

Think that's probably about it. Haven't done anything very exciting really.