Just realised something

Why do I start thinking people don't like me when I'm depressed?

Because I'm generally no fun - I:

Don't go out because it feels like too much effort
Don't talk much in group situations
Give the impression of constant boredom or inattention
Stop making small talk, asking people questions and generally interacting in a social way
Don't often smile, joke, tease, or flirt
Break promises
Forget I've agreed to do something or meet someone
Let other people fill the gaps in conversation (thus making talking to me hard work).

So I end up looking cold and serious and unapproachable and let's be honest, boring. Really can't blame people for not treating me in the same way they used to, because right now I'm not even the same person.

Just to let you know

I'm still here.I haven't blogged in forever because really I don't think I have anything interesting to say.

Having depression again, you see.

Yes I'm on medication, and yes it's helping, but no I don't feel my usual self yet. I'm just supremely unimpressed by everything a lot of the time, and my sleep pattern's completely fucked despite regular attempts to de-fuck it (hence me still awake and posting at 4am).

I'm not trying to elicit sympathy, don't get me wrong. And I'm not even that bad really, mostly just like the shine's been taken off everything and nothing is fun and I can't be bothered with it all. I'm not cutting myself, or crying all the time (have only cried once actually), or in a black cloud of despair, or thinking that no-one really likes me and that they'd be happier if I wasn't around - which is a step up from my last "episode" - I'm just not really here.

We have a choir Christmas concert on Thursday, and I'm singing a solo quartet bit in one of the pieces (Britten's Hymn to the Virgin) which is a really nice piece. I really wanted to get the solo and I did. I'd expect to be happy about it, but somehow my brain thinks it's not even worth mentioning. I just want to go to sleep.

Good news

My grandma went in to hospital last night, and had her operation today. It went well, and she's fine.

Thank goodness for that.

The scans and tests showed that the cancer hasn't spread. If they'd found it somewhere else, they wouldn't have operated on her at all, just given her chemo.

But yeah, it's as good as it could be, and she could be home at the weekend.

Thanks Royal Hallamshire Hospital.

Just a quick one

My uncle died last Saturday, of cancer. I don't know much about it but he definitely had a tumour on his spine and cancer in other places too. I hadn't seen him for years but I remember him as a nice man, older than my dad - the type who'd do anything for you, too kind for his own good sometimes.

My grandma found out last week that she has womb cancer. And the tests she had today confirmed that she has an aggressive tumour which may spread. It may have already spread. And she's 70 and has heart disease so it might be too risky to operate - we'll find out more when she has an ECG next Tuesday. She's already said that if it's spread she doesn't want the operation.

I'm not letting myself get upset, not unless the next lot of tests/scans say that it's inoperable, or that the op would be too risky. That sounds very cold-hearted - obviously I am upset, but I can't make things any better by crying and letting it get to me so I'm choosing to deal with the potential situation as and when. Can't say I'm massively optimistic though. I don't know what to think.

And my grandad's not long since had an op to remove his prostate cancer.

Understandably I'm now somewhat concerned that a new mole has appeared on my hand.

Can it stop please?

Sorry

I am feeling better than the last time I posted - I got a dawn simulator alarm clock which gradually turns a bright light on in the morning, and that helps.

I'm now in a pretty sensible rhythm of sleeping at 12pm and getting up between 8 and 9am. But of course now I feel better I seem to spend my time doing stuff because I can, and it just doesn't occur to me to blog.

And even though I'm busy, I don't feel I have much to blog about because it isn't very interesting. (Although saying that, we're working on the garden right now and the progress might make some good posts).

Hopefully i be inspired soon because I do like blogging and I love connecting with other bloggers.

Got a concert on Wednesday. I'm doing a small solo. Wish me luck.