Monday, November 24, 2008

Body, don't do this to me

Been feeling rubbish the past 10 days or so.

Pretty much the usual I guess, tired, everything too much effort, not getting anything done, not feeling like doing even fun stuff, not sleeping, not taking care of myself (which I'll admit, usually means not showering/cleaning teeth as often as is necessary, and can also mean eating rubbish or not eating enough), not wanting to see people or talk to them, being very boring, and generally wandering round like a zombie.

I missed three rehearsals in as many days simply because I couldn't face the thought of dealing with public transport, being sociable, sight-reading and then more public transport. Not to mention the almost impossible tasks of showering, washing hair, removing unnecessary hair from face (what's the deal with that anyway? Hormones, what the hell did I ever do to you?), choosing what to wear, and organising the myriad of bits and pieces that I can't leave the house without nowadays (pencils, water bottle, sheet music, snack, diary (which I don't even use) notebook, and occasionally knitting).

And that's not like me, I never miss rehearsal no matter how crap I feel. It's always been like the one thing I can keep up with no matter what. But not now, apparently.

There have been a couple of times this week when I've been feeling miserable and thought, "Hey, I know this feeling... I DO NOT want to be depressed again thank you very much". It's not like wanting-to-cry-all-the-time depression, or a feeling-like-I-want-to-die-but-being-too-exhausted-to-actually-go-through-with-suicide depression (been through both and neither are fun), it's just ordinary run-of-the-mill I-can't-do-this-anymore-continually-unhappy-for-no-obvious-reason depression.

And yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

And why on earth have my eyelids suddenly turned against me? I wake up every morning with sore eyes because my blepharitis is back - sometimes my eyelids are actually stuck together. And the creases of both lids have sore flakey itchy patches of what I think is seborrhoeic dermatitis. It's driving me crazy. It's been bad enough to crack and break the skin and make closing my eyes difficult (it's improved since then). You know your eyes are really sore when even baby shampoo stings (washing the eyelids with diluted baby shampoo is the usual treatment). I don't wear makeup often but since I can't right now, I want to, dammit.

Plus my ears as well as the skin behind them right into my hair, and to a lesser extent the whole of my scalp, are all flakey and horrible. If I scratch, it weeps and then crusts over. Not pretty.

Is it the weather (miserable)? Or just generally feeling run down? Or am I reacting to a load of evil chemicals in the environment or something?

Damn. I need to think of something fun to do, quick.


  1. Been there, done that! It is miserable to be trapped in angry skin and although you know from experience that it won't last for ever, it still feels as though it will. I've found betnovate scalp application really helpful (not sure whether you can get it without a prescription) - it reduces the itching and flaking and seems to help with the eye and ear problems that go along with scalp flare ups. I use a mild steroid ointment very sparingly in my ears.) Maybe its time to have a chat with your doctor about anti-depressants? Now that I'm on Prozac I don't have any more really miserable days, exactly like you describe. Dare I admit I also pluck my chin and have days when I can't be bothered to shower and just 'fresh wipe' the smelly bits? Aaargh - just did!

  2. How 'bout an androgen receptor blocker to stop testosterone binding in the skin and causing oilyness/hair growth? I was on Dianette for ages for my spotty skin (eventually they took it away - no long term use certification in the UK). Unfortunately it comes as a combined pill. Maybe you can get it without it being the pill if that puts you off.

  3. And I get a really itchy crap scalp too. I just use T-Gel though. Do you find yours gets worse if you don't wash your hair for a while? Mine goes mad itchy if I leave it more than 48h.

  4. @Lily: my skin is much better when I remember to baby shampoo and moisturise twice a day. Unfortunately, I usually forget. Only got myself to blame, I guess.

    @Kay: Good idea. Unfortunately I tick too many of the "no way can we give this drug to this woman" boxes to take something like Dianette (overweight, diabetes, high blood pressure). I can't take any kind of combined pill. Doc just says if I lose weight I'll be less hairy - but losing weight requires actual effort, and is in fact too much like work.

    As for my scalp, T-Gel doesn't help, not even the industrial-strength coal tar stuff. And I can get away with maybe 3 days before I get itchy. I don't wash my hair every day partly because I'm lazy, partly because Frizz-Ease is expensive, and partly because I have dry hair which isn't keen on daily washing.

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