Moaning again...

I'm tired.

Some of you will know what I mean. It's not just your run-of-the-mill could-do-with-an-early-night-or-a-bit-of-a-rest type tired. I could do with sleeping for about a week.

I know the way I deal with my fibromyalgia isn't helping. I do too much and exhaust myself or I over-compensate and laze around - both make me feel worse. After 11 years of fibromyalgia I still haven't worked out the balance.

I'm currently eating crap too - far too much chocolate and biscuits and sweet stuff, when I'm not even hungry. And I can't be bothered to cook sensible food.

I don't want to do anything, but I'm sick of doing nothing. I'm bored and restless but can't seem to motivate myself to start anything, and even if I do start I give up very quickly because I just can't be arsed any more.

I don't feel quite real. I'm grey again, like all my emotions are dulled. I'm never really happy, never really sad. I'm not angry. I just don't really care very much. It worries me a little because without my emotions I'm just a robot version of myself - emotion is such a big part of who I am and how I define myself. I'm jealous of other people because they're getting to experience feelings like love and excitement and joy and fear and lust and pain and I can't touch those things. There's a big fluffy grey cloud in the way.

And I'm very easily distracted. Like just now, when I thought I'd just have a quick look on YouTube and sing through O fortuna. And half an hour later, I'm typing again. On the plus side I did find some fantastic choral pieces on there, with the score as the video! Excellent idea. I'm completely in love with this piece, it's the most beautiful thing ever. I don't like the vocal colour of this version, especially the growly basses - in my not-at-all-professional opinion this should be sung with a very pure tone, simple but expressive, with the eight parts weaving seamlessly in and out of each other. Still, you get the idea of the thing, and hopefully can see why I like it so much.


So anyway. I need to try to get myself out of this. Just need to find some energy to know where to start. I'm trying not to think about what happens if things don't get better. I can't carry on living my life like this.